The Bias on Rape and Gender Relativity By - Nkechi Bianze

While we are talking about rape and consent, we need to talk about those women who say no but mean 'yes' or 'try harder'.

I love to use personal experiences to drive my points.

I'm a woman and I've been in a few relationships. And I can tell you categorically that none of my ex boyfriends asked me out more than once. One didn't even ask me out sef. He told me he likes me and I told him I like him and we started dating.

With sex, it's either I want or I don't want. There is no rigmaroling around it.

Many women and girls of our generation were brainwashed into thinking that their values are measured by how much and how long a man tried and hung around before finally getting them.

1. You are a woman and you desperately want to have sex with a man. He tries to touch you and you say "no, leave me". And he leaves you. Then you send him a message insulting the hell out of him that he didn't try hard enough.

2. You are a woman, you went to sleep over at a man's house. He didn't touch you out of respect for you. Then you leave and insult him calling him gay, tiny penis and even telling him that his penis does not work.

This is psychological. Next time, in such or similar situation, most men would try to prove that their penises are working. Some would go as far as harrassing the next woman who sleeps over at theirs so that they can prove that their penises are working. They would believe that every woman is as silly as the one who insulted them for not sexually harrassing them.

3. When I moved to Canada, I slept over at a guy's house for the first night. We slept on same bed.
This guy received me, cooked for me, I had my shower and we went to same bed. This guy didn't touch me even though he liked me.
Days later, he told his 2 best friends that he liked me and they laughed at him, insulted him, called him fool and naive and called him a baby for not making use of the opportunity of having me in his bed for a whole night.

While this is not an excuse to sexually harrass or rape a woman. It cannot go without saying that the women in categories 1and 2 and the men in category 3 are contributing factors to the reason why some men don't understand consent and boundaries.

As a society, while we are teaching people, especially men the concept of consent, we need to do away with that bullshit we teach girls about playing hard to get.

If you like a guy, it is very okay to have sex with him on a first date. Having sex on the first date or 169th date doesn't make any difference. If he is going to respect you, he will respect you. If he is an ass, if you like keep your sex till the 6969th date, he will still be an ass.

Some men met their women, had sex with them on first date, married them and treat them very well.
While some men had sex with a virgin on the 1000th date and still treated her like trash then dumped her. Or married the virgin and maltreat her.

How much a man values you is NOT dependent on how long it took him to have access into your vagina.

We need to stop teaching girls the idea of "playing hard to get" where their 'no' means 'yes' or 'try harder'.

My NO means NO and my YES means YES.

I've never understood the idea of making a man I like go through hell to get me. It's either I like you and I want to date you or not.
It's either I want to have sex with you or not.

Girls and women need to stop confusing men.

Secondly, if a sexual relationship ends the way you don't like, it does NOT automatically mean that he had been raping you.

Rape accusation is a very serious accusation. It is not an armour to get back at a guy for dumping you. Let us focus on the actual and true rape cases.

And stop that shitty "play hard to get". If you want to have sex, have it. If you don't want to have sex, don't have it.
Stop confusing men/guys/boys.

Because while we are preaching that NO means NO. We do NOT want some girls or women who are driving the narrative that their no means 'yes', 'try harder' or something else.

We need to be consistent with our message about consent.

- Nkechi Bianze